Donald Trump, the Republican nominee, has indicated that, if elected President, he plans to sell naming rights to the White House in order to generate additional revenue for the government. He is currently in negotiations with Hooters and if the deal is approved by Congress the White House will be renamed the Hooter House and secret service personnel will have a new uniform of short shorts with form fitting tops. State diners will consist of all you can eat buffalo wings with a side of fried onion rings and a tarter sauce dip.
Donald Trump has big plans for the White House. A recent twitter leak from The Donald says that if elected president he will seek a zoning change for the White House that would enable him to subdivide the building into timeshare units. Each unit would allow the owner to stay one week per year for as long as Trump remains the landlord-in-chief. He expects the demand to be “amazing.”
Animal welfare advocates have long criticized dog shows as only being about looks and beauty and failing to address the issues that are important to the dogs. Well, the Westminster Dog Show has been listening and agreed to let the dogs run the show this year. The usual prancing around the ring and being groped by strange judges will be replaced with dog friendly contests such as:
Pursuit Contest: The contestants will chase down a bicycle rider by grabbing the rider’s leg as the rider pedals furiously in an effort to escape. First dog to make the rider crash wins. Extra points awarded if the rider breaks a bone.
Barking Contest: The contestants will gather outside a house at 2:00 in the morning and commence barking. The first dog to make the occupants run outside with a gun wins.
Peeing Contest: The first dog to kill all the plants in a flower bed wins. Extra points for killing exotic and expensive plants.
Pooping Contest: The contestants will poop where they think humans will walk. First dog to have it’s poop stepped in wins. Extra points if the human starts cursing.
Obedience Contest: Contestants will pretend to be trained so that their human handlers take them for a walk in the woods off leash. Once in the woods the contestants will chase the first animal they see ignoring the pleas of their handlers. Extra points for chasing endangered species.
PETA has given this new format it’s highest rating although Westminster is concerned about losing sponsors.
In an effort to combat allegations that their athletics are using performance enhancing substances Russia has announced that they may hire American Lance Armstrong as director of drug compliance. Russian trainers have been accused of giving their athletes performance enhancement drugs normally associated with race horses. This has caused the athletes to neigh and poop during competitions. They have also forsaken their usual pre-competition breakfast of pickled sea turtles and instead eat raw oats and barley from a bucket attached to their head. The athletics do not stay in hotels but prefer to sleep out in the open on a bed of hay where they get easily spooked and have a strong urge to graze. Hopefully, Lance Armstrong will be able to turn these athletes back into humans.
A large meteor smashed into the Great Pyramid of Giza near Cairo. When the Egyptian authorities went to check upon the damage they could not believe what they discovered; grain was flowing out of the damaged pyramid. U.S. Republican candidate Ben Carson was right after all. The pyramids are nothing but large storehouses and not only for ancient grain. Also found inside was the pharaoh Ramses long lost Bar Mitzvah album featuring a video of Moses dancing the hora. It also shows The Rolling Stones performing at one of their first gigs before they became famous. Although the quality of the video is not up to today’s standards it clearly shows that Moses was light on his feet at a time when the exodus was weighing heavily on his mind. It also shows that Mick Jagger has not aged a bit.
The Egyptian investigation into the crash of the Russian passenger plane is finished. Originally expected to take forever to complete, Egypt, using the most sophisticated technology, such as reading tea leaves and sniffing donkey dung, has confidently come to the conclusion that Santa Claus was to blame. More specifically, based upon radar intercepts and eyewitness testimony Egypt asserts that there was a midair collision between the plane and Santa’s sleigh which was in the air on a pre-Christmas practice run. Evidently, villagers near the crash site saw flying reindeer (which they mistook for camels that had eaten too many garbanzo beans) pulling a sleigh (which they mistook for a chariot) holding Santa Claus (which they mistook for a grossly overweight Moses). The eyewitnesses said it appeared that the sleigh had stalled and that Santa was throwing gift wrapped boxes overboard to lighten the load in an effort to gain altitude. However, it was not enough to avoid being hit by the Russian plane. The last reported sound was a deep voice bellowing Ho-Ho-Ho-Holy Shit. One villager reported that his favorite goat was mortally wounded by a falling antler. In any event, Egypt wants the world to know it was not an act of terrorism and that they take tourist safety seriously.
Due to declining revenue Playboy has recently announced they will no longer include pictures of naked women. Instead, they will be replaced with naked antelopes in the hope that hunters will start buying the magazine. The antelopes will be posed provocatively and nothing will be left to the imagination. Full frontal shots including every delicious inch of the rack is promised. And to really excite new subscribers a special holiday issue is planned called Antlers After Dark featuring naked elk, moose and mule deer. If you know of any attractive antelopes or other ungulates that might be interested in posing for Playboy you may contact this website. Please note that upon completion of the modeling shoot the antelopes will be stuffed and mounted and displayed at the Playboy mansion in Los Angeles.
With udder disbelief the nation’s dairy farmers are reporting that their cows have gone on strike and are refusing to be milked. Evidently, their grievances are many; starting with the demand that the MooMoo Network, uncensored version, be shown on all barn TV sets. In certain areas it is reported that cows have even formed picket lines in an attempt to prevent nonunion cows from giving milk. Mr. Andy Angus, barn manager at Curds R Us ranch, said he and his fellow dairy farmers did not see it coming and were under the impression that all the cows were happy and content except perhaps for a few that had lactose intolerance. Some of the larger farms are talking about bringing in strike breakers, mainly packs of wolves and perhaps some mountain lions depending on cost. Due to the seriousness of the situation state governors are planning to meet with the cow’s union president, Elsie, in the hope that both sides can move beyond the spilt milk and address the important issues before things turn sour.
The Pentagon has announced that their new missile system code named Double D Blaster originally to be deployed in the Middle East will be delayed. A spokesperson for the Pentagon said the delay has been caused by a shortage of silicone which is necessary for the guidance system. Apparently what has happened is that a subversive group of cosmetic surgeons, calling themselves the Back Street Boobs, have been diverting silicone from the Department of Defense strategic reserves and using it for their patients. In the interest of national security the Pentagon is asking that all women who have received the illegal silicone to replace it with another substance, perhaps playdough or silly putty. Furthermore, the military has been appealing to the patriotism of Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian in an effort to have them donate some extra silicone. With Kardashian alone they feel they would have enough to fulfill their needs.