Donald Trump has big plans for the White House. A recent twitter leak from The Donald says that if elected president he will seek a zoning change for the White House that would enable him to subdivide the building into timeshare units. Each unit would allow the owner to stay one week per year for as long as Trump remains the landlord-in-chief. He expects the demand to be “amazing.”
Animal welfare advocates have long criticized dog shows as only being about looks and beauty and failing to address the issues that are important to the dogs. Well, the Westminster Dog Show has been listening and agreed to let the dogs run the show this year. The usual prancing around the ring and being groped by strange judges will be replaced with dog friendly contests such as:
Pursuit Contest: The contestants will chase down a bicycle rider by grabbing the rider’s leg as the rider pedals furiously in an effort to escape. First dog to make the rider crash wins. Extra points awarded if the rider breaks a bone.
Barking Contest: The contestants will gather outside a house at 2:00 in the morning and commence barking. The first dog to make the occupants run outside with a gun wins.
Peeing Contest: The first dog to kill all the plants in a flower bed wins. Extra points for killing exotic and expensive plants.
Pooping Contest: The contestants will poop where they think humans will walk. First dog to have it’s poop stepped in wins. Extra points if the human starts cursing.
Obedience Contest: Contestants will pretend to be trained so that their human handlers take them for a walk in the woods off leash. Once in the woods the contestants will chase the first animal they see ignoring the pleas of their handlers. Extra points for chasing endangered species.
PETA has given this new format it’s highest rating although Westminster is concerned about losing sponsors.
In an effort to combat allegations that their athletics are using performance enhancing substances Russia has announced that they may hire American Lance Armstrong as director of drug compliance. Russian trainers have been accused of giving their athletes performance enhancement drugs normally associated with race horses. This has caused the athletes to neigh and poop during competitions. They have also forsaken their usual pre-competition breakfast of pickled sea turtles and instead eat raw oats and barley from a bucket attached to their head. The athletics do not stay in hotels but prefer to sleep out in the open on a bed of hay where they get easily spooked and have a strong urge to graze. Hopefully, Lance Armstrong will be able to turn these athletes back into humans.