In an effort to combat allegations that their athletics are using performance enhancing substances Russia has announced that they may hire American Lance Armstrong as director of drug compliance. Russian trainers have been accused of giving their athletes performance enhancement drugs normally associated with race horses. This has caused the athletes to neigh and poop during competitions. They have also forsaken their usual pre-competition breakfast of pickled sea turtles and instead eat raw oats and barley from a bucket attached to their head. The athletics do not stay in hotels but prefer to sleep out in the open on a bed of hay where they get easily spooked and have a strong urge to graze. Hopefully, Lance Armstrong will be able to turn these athletes back into humans.