With udder disbelief the nation’s dairy farmers are reporting that their cows have gone on strike and are refusing to be milked. Evidently, their grievances are many; starting with the demand that the MooMoo Network, uncensored version, be shown on all barn TV sets. In certain areas it is reported that cows have even formed picket lines in an attempt to prevent nonunion cows from giving milk. Mr. Andy Angus, barn manager at Curds R Us ranch, said he and his fellow dairy farmers did not see it coming and were under the impression that all the cows were happy and content except perhaps for a few that had lactose intolerance. Some of the larger farms are talking about bringing in strike breakers, mainly packs of wolves and perhaps some mountain lions depending on cost. Due to the seriousness of the situation state governors are planning to meet with the cow’s union president, Elsie, in the hope that both sides can move beyond the spilt milk and address the important issues before things turn sour.
The Pentagon has announced that their new missile system code named Double D Blaster originally to be deployed in the Middle East will be delayed. A spokesperson for the Pentagon said the delay has been caused by a shortage of silicone which is necessary for the guidance system. Apparently what has happened is that a subversive group of cosmetic surgeons, calling themselves the Back Street Boobs, have been diverting silicone from the Department of Defense strategic reserves and using it for their patients. In the interest of national security the Pentagon is asking that all women who have received the illegal silicone to replace it with another substance, perhaps playdough or silly putty. Furthermore, the military has been appealing to the patriotism of Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian in an effort to have them donate some extra silicone. With Kardashian alone they feel they would have enough to fulfill their needs.